First and very foremost, NOPE. But, let’s talk about what doulas are, how they can help you, your partner, and help your partner help you.

According to DONA, a doula is “a trained professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to a mother before, during and shortly after childbirth to help her achieve the healthiest, most satisfying experience possible.”

I like this definition but it’s severely lacking the explanation for what a doula can do for the couple. Doulas are not just for the birthing person, but also for the partner. The partner that wants to help a little, a lot, or even the one that wants to do all of the work. Doulas are for everyone.

When you first begin tossing around the idea of hiring a doula, a pretty common (and valid) concern from partners is “Why do we need a doula? What will I do then?” It’s totally normal. It’s also totally normal to freeze up and not know how to answer that without hurting their feelings. You don’t have to-because the truth is that a doula is there to help you both on this journey. They are not there to replace anyone. They’re hands, when extra hands are needed. They are the calm, reassuring presence that maybe you both look to for a little normalcy. They are there to hold space for the both of you.

You could plan a trip to the Grand Canyon. You can use maps to navigate, and see amazing things. You can do all of that on your own, no doubt. But you could also hire a tour guide. They can show you around, and explain history of the Grand Canyon in detail. They can show you the best spots, and you might even enjoy your visit more just because you didn’t have to worry about anything. You’d be able to relax and see what you came for, knowing you’re in good company. This is all very much like hiring a doula. They are just there with you, because you’ve chosen them for their knowledge and personality. It’s your trip to take, but they will help you along.

A doula can help to fill the pool while your partner holds your hand during contractions.

A doula can suggest changing to a new position or movement.

A doula can make you a cup of tea to curb your nausea, while your partner rubs your back.

A doula can prepare you a snack for energy, so that your partner can get the other kids to bed.

A doula can show your partner what he can do to help you through your next big surge.

A doula can simply observe, and let you know that you’re both doing great.

See? No replacing, just team work.

Wouldn’t that be nice? Someone to reassure you both that you’re so close to meeting your baby. Someone that has experience and education in exactly this, and is able to oversee your labor and know what can help.

Before the birth:

Most doulas offer prenatal visits to go over your birth plan, expectations and see where they fit in to help out. They have extensive resources, both pre and post natal. They can bridge the gap in communications that you might be missing because planning a birth is a lot of work. There is a lot to consider, and sometimes it’s hard to figure out everything you’ll need to know before to make informed decisions. In comes the doula. She’s there to help you and your partner. She will walk you through learning about every decision you might have to make before you have to make it. She wants to empower you both to feel in control of your birth experience.

During the birth:

Maybe your partner doesn’t know how to help or just doesn’t feel confident that they will know what to do in that time. A doula can jump in and be the help, or coach him how to, and will be very good at reading the vibe to know which way to go. She also spends time getting to know you in that prenatal visit which helps to know where she is needed in this.

There are always going to be partners that just would like to step away and let the doula do what she does. That’s okay, and it is a variation of normal too. If a partner is not able to be the hands on type and you need it, your doula is happy to help. She can read you when you don’t speak, and will still be able to guide your partner on other things.

If you don’t have a partner at all, then a doula is especially helpful and actually DOES take on that role.

Some mothers actually do prefer a hands-off approach in labor and there is STILL a place for the doula, and the partner.

After the birth:

Your doula can help you up and about when it’s time to use the bathroom after the birth. This is when your partner will probably take the baby for some skin to skin bonding. This is helpful because he needs to have that short time to feel connected with the brand new life you brought into the world together. This is a great time for him to slow down and enjoy a few moments while the doula helps you. Once all of the excitement has settled, your doula, along with the rest of your birth team will let you bond as a family. Her work is done.

A great doula works with your partner, and makes him feel comfortable with giving the support you need, and receiving the support that he needs to help you.

Carey Lauren in a Birth Photographer & videographer in Phoenix, Arizona. Serving all of Phoenix and major surrounding cities including Peoria, Scottsdale and Glendale, she is passionate about giving Arizona mothers the most beautiful memories to look back on in the best days of their lives. You can learn more about Carey, here

Learn more about birth photography, here

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